So I CRIED while on the Stairmaster

Friday, March 24th.

My morning already wasn’t going according to plan. I slept through my alarm. I considered not doing my fasted cardio. But I got up and got dressed. While packing my gym bag, I noticed my wireless headphones were out of battery and needed to charge.. again, I considered not doing my cardio. – Cardio that, at this point was [ 1 minute stairmaster sprint; 1 minute easy pace – repeat for 25 minutes ] THEN complete another 25 minutes for steady state. For a total of 50 minutes.

Instead I said, “F-it”. I plugged in my headphones to let them charge.


On the stairmaster about 10 minutes in. I legitimately hurt my calf and was actually wondering what I should do at this point.

But THIS WASN’T where I cried.

I got an email that really upset me. An email that jeopardized whether or not I COULD COMPETE in the competition I’ve been training nearly 4 months for! The competition that was 7 DAY AWAY!!

This is where I absolutely lost it. My feelings were overwhelming and all I could do was pull my hoodie over my head and sob to myself mid sprints.

Now please understand. I DID NOT commit to this sport to WIN. This is not something that many people will fully get. Competitors think I’m stupid for spending so much time and so much money into something, that I have no desire to place, bring home a trophy or a pro card. And my non competitor friends ‘support’ me when I say it’s about the experience, not the winning. – but because they have NEVER done this type of training, meal preparation, sleep deprivation… they support me. But if they only truly knew, they probably wouldn’t. Lol 😂

Anyway. Competing is expensive! This is not something you just decide to do. A lot of planning must go into a show. I will later link another blog post describing what exactly goes into financing a competition. Especially for the women doing bikini or figure.

I won’t go into details about the circumstances. Just know that finances are tighter than I planned and the last thing I needed at this point was more stress.

I had at least 10 people reach out to me and check on me to see how I was feeling. The support is literally DRIVING ne right now.

In the end, I had a great workout and I’m glad I got through it.

To me. The process is the prize. Sounds cliche. But honest to god. Standing in front a group of people, judging me based off a point system and comparing me to the others standing to my left and right – THAT DOES NOT DEFINE a win or a loss. At least for me at this point. Beating the person I was on stage last year, is that defines a win. Whether that be placing higher than 4th or just personally living what I’ve become.



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